Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
