rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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