I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
how do flat chested girls get laid?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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