Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
