3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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