My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
