you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Sorry about my life...
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
