So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
