my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
