I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
