New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
