My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
