you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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