when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
This is my gift to your gina
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
