That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
