just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
