Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
My vagina is officially offended.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
