she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
