everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
accomplished twins. life is a go
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
