Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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