Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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