I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
sarcasm needs its own font
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
