Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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