I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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