My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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