Is it because I queefed?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
