she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
