what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
