About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
