...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
