i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
