Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
