Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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