the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
