My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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