Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
