I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
