that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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