just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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