Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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