I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
your like the ambassador to my penis.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
