Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
