my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
