i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
