Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
