i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
