pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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