yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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