Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
