Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
