There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
